Thursday, November 7, 2013

She takes up space, I take up space. You can't have this space because I'm using it. Go find your own.

I question whether or not I'm cut out for science.

I also wonder if I'm really good enough to be taking up spots at national labs and detector schools and grad programs.  I totally suggested to my E&M instructor that he bring up my admission to the graduate program at the next faculty meeting.  I mean, if I'm really dumber than his two-year old grandchild, shouldn't he?

I didn't really believe him; even then I knew I could out-physicist his darling toddler.  But I was serious when I told him that maybe he should kick me out of the program.

Lately, though, I've been feeling just a tiny, tiny bit more like I have something to offer the physics community.  I feel like I'm a really good fit, actually, for the job I currently have.  And that it's wonderful for me to have so much diverse science I can interact with.

I have this job, and there's people who don't.  I feel like there are probably people who could do better work here or make more out of this opportunity, but I also feel like there are plenty who wouldn't.

So it's a subtle shift, but it's interesting.  My reaction to ridiculous assumptions of incompetence is still, "dude!  just fire me already!"  But I also feel like they'd be losing an asset.  Like, an asset that has real value.

So, world, there it is.  I take up some space, and I'm a tiny bit okay with that.  I have some skills, and that's pretty awesome.  My team isn't currently interested in anything I have to offer, which is kind of dumb.  Do they think I'm going to stick around without any interesting work or community?  Because I am not.  They way they're acting is not okay, and me, my space, and my skills are going to go elsewhere unless things change.

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