I question whether or not I'm cut out for science.
I also wonder if I'm really good enough to be taking up spots at national labs and detector schools and grad programs. I totally suggested to my E&M instructor that he bring up my admission to the graduate program at the next faculty meeting. I mean, if I'm really dumber than his two-year old grandchild, shouldn't he?
I didn't really believe him; even then I knew I could out-physicist his darling toddler. But I was serious when I told him that maybe he should kick me out of the program.
Lately, though, I've been feeling just a tiny, tiny bit more like I have something to offer the physics community. I feel like I'm a really good fit, actually, for the job I currently have. And that it's wonderful for me to have so much diverse science I can interact with.
I have this job, and there's people who don't. I feel like there are probably people who could do better work here or make more out of this opportunity, but I also feel like there are plenty who wouldn't.
So it's a subtle shift, but it's interesting. My reaction to ridiculous assumptions of incompetence is still, "dude! just fire me already!" But I also feel like they'd be losing an asset. Like, an asset that has real value.
So, world, there it is. I take up some space, and I'm a tiny bit okay with that. I have some skills, and that's pretty awesome. My team isn't currently interested in anything I have to offer, which is kind of dumb. Do they think I'm going to stick around without any interesting work or community? Because I am not. They way they're acting is not okay, and me, my space, and my skills are going to go elsewhere unless things change.