I question whether or not I'm cut out for science.
I also wonder if I'm really good enough to be taking up spots at national labs and detector schools and grad programs. I totally suggested to my E&M instructor that he bring up my admission to the graduate program at the next faculty meeting. I mean, if I'm really dumber than his two-year old grandchild, shouldn't he?
I didn't really believe him; even then I knew I could out-physicist his darling toddler. But I was serious when I told him that maybe he should kick me out of the program.
Lately, though, I've been feeling just a tiny, tiny bit more like I have something to offer the physics community. I feel like I'm a really good fit, actually, for the job I currently have. And that it's wonderful for me to have so much diverse science I can interact with.
I have this job, and there's people who don't. I feel like there are probably people who could do better work here or make more out of this opportunity, but I also feel like there are plenty who wouldn't.
So it's a subtle shift, but it's interesting. My reaction to ridiculous assumptions of incompetence is still, "dude! just fire me already!" But I also feel like they'd be losing an asset. Like, an asset that has real value.
So, world, there it is. I take up some space, and I'm a tiny bit okay with that. I have some skills, and that's pretty awesome. My team isn't currently interested in anything I have to offer, which is kind of dumb. Do they think I'm going to stick around without any interesting work or community? Because I am not. They way they're acting is not okay, and me, my space, and my skills are going to go elsewhere unless things change.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Awesome.
I felt uncertain about going to roller derby practice tonight, but I managed to get myself there anyway.
True: I got lost. True: the house numbers were near-invisible in the dark. True: random neighbor-people waved at me, which was a friendly enough signal that I found myself able to ask them if they knew which house I was looking for.
And so I arrived! Late, but that was okay. I had a lovely time jumping around in my socks.
I talked with my friend later, briefly, and we made plans for working on our paper tomorrow. And not in a, "oh gods we suck why don't we have more done" kind of way. In a, "and so we'll hang out on the google and just work together for a while" kind of way. This is a pleasant way for me to interact with this paper. We'll see how tomorrow goes. It'd be pretty sweet if it's also a reasonably productive method.
I talked with my mom while I ate dinner, and we talked about stuff I'm doing to make work better. We talked about her cold. We talked about books. She mentioned several times that my co-workers are behaving badly. Ha! Take that, co-workers!
It feels nice to know my mom is in my corner. I feel like a lot of people are in my corner. I feel like maybe I can climb out of this hole I find myself in. And today I feel like, despite work-based irritation, I had a lovely evening.
And now, to bed.
True: I got lost. True: the house numbers were near-invisible in the dark. True: random neighbor-people waved at me, which was a friendly enough signal that I found myself able to ask them if they knew which house I was looking for.
And so I arrived! Late, but that was okay. I had a lovely time jumping around in my socks.
I talked with my friend later, briefly, and we made plans for working on our paper tomorrow. And not in a, "oh gods we suck why don't we have more done" kind of way. In a, "and so we'll hang out on the google and just work together for a while" kind of way. This is a pleasant way for me to interact with this paper. We'll see how tomorrow goes. It'd be pretty sweet if it's also a reasonably productive method.
I talked with my mom while I ate dinner, and we talked about stuff I'm doing to make work better. We talked about her cold. We talked about books. She mentioned several times that my co-workers are behaving badly. Ha! Take that, co-workers!
It feels nice to know my mom is in my corner. I feel like a lot of people are in my corner. I feel like maybe I can climb out of this hole I find myself in. And today I feel like, despite work-based irritation, I had a lovely evening.
And now, to bed.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Wow, okay. Me: not so much with the writing.
So I signed up for BlogHer's November Daily Post Thingy challenge, and so far I've already missed two days? One day?
Anyway.
Writing once a day is, apparently, more difficult than I imagined.
It is odd that I underestimated the difficulty, because I started a blog partly because I find academic writing (the only kind of writing I ever attempt, mind) excruciatingly difficult. I thought that there was a chance I wouldn't find writing some manner of vignette as big a hurdle. And that I could therefore practice my hurdling with less stress and more frequently, thus making the academic writing a bit more approachable.
I have no idea if this is going to work or not, but a few things are on track with this attempt: I do find it difficult to write a post, although not nearly as difficult as writing parts of a paper. I am writing more frequently than I would if I were not posting. Writing is not my thing. My language tends toward pictures, and all that. Linear speech typically requires something akin to translation for me.
But linear speech is the world I live in, so it seems like a good idea to do some practicing. Also, people get pissed when I drag my feet on academic writing. I don't like any part of that - not their pissiness and not my foot-dragging. So again, I'm excited about practicing.
Well. "Excited" might be a little strong.
It would be accurate to say that I would be excited about having delicious chocolate cake for tomorrow's breakfast. Practicing writing, on the other hand? I am fairly certain that practicing writing constitutes "worthwhile effort."
And I have made a bit of progress on academic writing fronts.
Today I wrote a draft that describes a procedure for a simple experiment I've been doing in the lab. This, at the request of my supervisor. I want to be irritated by this, but it was a really good suggestion. That I took. And completed. (See the proud post-doc write?)
Yesterday, I sat down to work on a paper that's been dragging on for a long, long time. I sat down to work on it like it was no big deal! And promptly found the password to the group's data had changed. So, you know, I didn't get anything done. Beyond sending a few emails and uncovering the new password. But still.
Progress? Maybe?
Certainly enough to merit cake, I think.
Anyway.
Writing once a day is, apparently, more difficult than I imagined.
It is odd that I underestimated the difficulty, because I started a blog partly because I find academic writing (the only kind of writing I ever attempt, mind) excruciatingly difficult. I thought that there was a chance I wouldn't find writing some manner of vignette as big a hurdle. And that I could therefore practice my hurdling with less stress and more frequently, thus making the academic writing a bit more approachable.
I have no idea if this is going to work or not, but a few things are on track with this attempt: I do find it difficult to write a post, although not nearly as difficult as writing parts of a paper. I am writing more frequently than I would if I were not posting. Writing is not my thing. My language tends toward pictures, and all that. Linear speech typically requires something akin to translation for me.
But linear speech is the world I live in, so it seems like a good idea to do some practicing. Also, people get pissed when I drag my feet on academic writing. I don't like any part of that - not their pissiness and not my foot-dragging. So again, I'm excited about practicing.
Well. "Excited" might be a little strong.
It would be accurate to say that I would be excited about having delicious chocolate cake for tomorrow's breakfast. Practicing writing, on the other hand? I am fairly certain that practicing writing constitutes "worthwhile effort."
And I have made a bit of progress on academic writing fronts.
Today I wrote a draft that describes a procedure for a simple experiment I've been doing in the lab. This, at the request of my supervisor. I want to be irritated by this, but it was a really good suggestion. That I took. And completed. (See the proud post-doc write?)
Yesterday, I sat down to work on a paper that's been dragging on for a long, long time. I sat down to work on it like it was no big deal! And promptly found the password to the group's data had changed. So, you know, I didn't get anything done. Beyond sending a few emails and uncovering the new password. But still.
Progress? Maybe?
Certainly enough to merit cake, I think.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Hello! Please stop being a jerk!
Work really sucks right now. Like, I should probably start looking for another job?
On the plus side, I'm gaining some skills and knowledge that I'm very excited about. Also on the plus side, I'm gaining some ground on not getting so terribly perturbed by my co-workers.
But it seems to me like the people I work with are now deeply entrenched within confirmation bias, and their bias is that I'm incompetent. This makes for a serious lack of fun. And makes it surprisingly difficult to be productive at certain tasks.
They say things that are frustrating, and this is not new. People have been saying frustrating things since the accident. My accident. My responses have been varying, and I still haven't found a way to respond that I like.
Initially, I was so shocked by my colleagues' statements that I was speechless. This phase involved quite a bit of gaping and also a decent amount of crying. Blinding rage followed closely behind. During this phase, I was also mute, mainly because the thoughts that sprang to mind were clearly not conducive to a collegial work environment.
I'm currently trying Earnest Discussion:
"I'm having difficulty with experiment Y and was wondering ..."
"Oh, you do X? When doing experiment Y?"
Now, data logs show that my supervisor does not, in fact, do X. He is nonetheless very confident when suggesting, impatiently, that the reason I am having trouble with experiment Y is that I do not do X. How do I respond? I do not wish to be confrontational, but the information he's giving me isn't helpful, so ...
"I'd like to do X, that seems like a good idea. But it's not clear to me how I can manage that, given that I usually A and B. Those seem like the only way to make X happen - do you have any suggestions on how to make sure to ..."
"Right, yeah, I get that C is true. That's why I do A and B. Is there anything else I could be doing to make sure X happens?"
"No, no, I don't want to waste Expensive, Valuable Resource. It's just that the behavior really suggests that something is going on with "
"Oh, yeah, that'd be great. If we could do experiment Y', that would help clarify what's going on."
Now, it's true. Experiment Y' will help clarify what's going on. So in some ways, this exchange was successful. I follow the path of non-confrontation because I worry that pointing out to my supervisor that he does not do X will turn the conversation into a non-useful fight that serves only to make me look really petty.
"But you don't doooooooo that. I checked the data like a creepy stalker and look! See how you're wrong? Admit you're wrong! Admit it!"
In many cases, though, taking the non-confrontational path feels like verifying assumptions that I'm not a good worker/scientist/problem-solver:
"If you had just looked in the lab book, you would have seen that's expected behavior!"
Dude, I looked in the lab book. You didn't write down enough information for me to be anywhere near certain that the numbers you're pointing to can be directly applied to the setup we've currently got. And remember how you were lecturing me about not "playing around" with these particular parts, as they're expensive and custom and very necessary for experiments we hope to do in the near future? Okay, whatever. You know? I agree. It's always good to check the lab book. That's a true thing.
"Okay. Lab books are great. I'll make sure to check the lab book next time."
Success? It's true, I'll check the lab book next time. That's not a bad thing to confirm. And I think the interaction resulted in more good-feeling than if I had been all, "dude DUH I checked the lab book. Maybe if your notes didn't suck so much I could've found the info I needed."
I think it's useful to reduce tension between me and my supervisor, but not correcting him allows interpretations like, "Oops, silly me, I didn't think to check the lab book!" And also, "Oops, I didn't know that basic thing about physics. Thanks for telling me!" And also, "Oops! I should have warned you about the test I was about to do! In writing, since I totally warned you verbally but it was silly for me to assume that you were paying attention to what I said!" I am not saying any of these things, nor would I. But I'm worried that my supervisor is hearing them.
I think I'm okay with my supervisor thinking I'm dumb as long as he's also able to change his opinion. And since confronting his misconceptions directly wasn't productive, this method at least seems worth a try. But it worries me a bit. I don't want future me to be all, "Oops! I assumed you'd be able to objectively evaluate evidence since you're a scientist. But I forgot that everyone's brain works to confirm their worldview, and that scientists can be prone to thinking their version of reality is unimpeachably accurate! My bad!"
Well, it is true that I make an awful lot of missteps. I should clearly spend less of my brain power thinking about unicorns, and how soft their noses are. And how beautiful their eyes are.
Actually, I don't mean that. I think those are great things to think about. And now I'm going to go to sleep so I can go for a nice, early hike with my friend. Who is not a unicorn but is nonetheless awesome.
On the plus side, I'm gaining some skills and knowledge that I'm very excited about. Also on the plus side, I'm gaining some ground on not getting so terribly perturbed by my co-workers.
But it seems to me like the people I work with are now deeply entrenched within confirmation bias, and their bias is that I'm incompetent. This makes for a serious lack of fun. And makes it surprisingly difficult to be productive at certain tasks.
They say things that are frustrating, and this is not new. People have been saying frustrating things since the accident. My accident. My responses have been varying, and I still haven't found a way to respond that I like.
Initially, I was so shocked by my colleagues' statements that I was speechless. This phase involved quite a bit of gaping and also a decent amount of crying. Blinding rage followed closely behind. During this phase, I was also mute, mainly because the thoughts that sprang to mind were clearly not conducive to a collegial work environment.
I'm currently trying Earnest Discussion:
"I'm having difficulty with experiment Y and was wondering ..."
"Oh, you do X? When doing experiment Y?"
Now, data logs show that my supervisor does not, in fact, do X. He is nonetheless very confident when suggesting, impatiently, that the reason I am having trouble with experiment Y is that I do not do X. How do I respond? I do not wish to be confrontational, but the information he's giving me isn't helpful, so ...
"I'd like to do X, that seems like a good idea. But it's not clear to me how I can manage that, given that I usually A and B. Those seem like the only way to make X happen - do you have any suggestions on how to make sure to ..."
"Right, yeah, I get that C is true. That's why I do A and B. Is there anything else I could be doing to make sure X happens?"
"No, no, I don't want to waste Expensive, Valuable Resource. It's just that the behavior really suggests that something is going on with "
"Oh, yeah, that'd be great. If we could do experiment Y', that would help clarify what's going on."
Now, it's true. Experiment Y' will help clarify what's going on. So in some ways, this exchange was successful. I follow the path of non-confrontation because I worry that pointing out to my supervisor that he does not do X will turn the conversation into a non-useful fight that serves only to make me look really petty.
"But you don't doooooooo that. I checked the data like a creepy stalker and look! See how you're wrong? Admit you're wrong! Admit it!"
In many cases, though, taking the non-confrontational path feels like verifying assumptions that I'm not a good worker/scientist/problem-solver:
"If you had just looked in the lab book, you would have seen that's expected behavior!"
Dude, I looked in the lab book. You didn't write down enough information for me to be anywhere near certain that the numbers you're pointing to can be directly applied to the setup we've currently got. And remember how you were lecturing me about not "playing around" with these particular parts, as they're expensive and custom and very necessary for experiments we hope to do in the near future? Okay, whatever. You know? I agree. It's always good to check the lab book. That's a true thing.
"Okay. Lab books are great. I'll make sure to check the lab book next time."
Success? It's true, I'll check the lab book next time. That's not a bad thing to confirm. And I think the interaction resulted in more good-feeling than if I had been all, "dude DUH I checked the lab book. Maybe if your notes didn't suck so much I could've found the info I needed."
I think it's useful to reduce tension between me and my supervisor, but not correcting him allows interpretations like, "Oops, silly me, I didn't think to check the lab book!" And also, "Oops, I didn't know that basic thing about physics. Thanks for telling me!" And also, "Oops! I should have warned you about the test I was about to do! In writing, since I totally warned you verbally but it was silly for me to assume that you were paying attention to what I said!" I am not saying any of these things, nor would I. But I'm worried that my supervisor is hearing them.
I think I'm okay with my supervisor thinking I'm dumb as long as he's also able to change his opinion. And since confronting his misconceptions directly wasn't productive, this method at least seems worth a try. But it worries me a bit. I don't want future me to be all, "Oops! I assumed you'd be able to objectively evaluate evidence since you're a scientist. But I forgot that everyone's brain works to confirm their worldview, and that scientists can be prone to thinking their version of reality is unimpeachably accurate! My bad!"
Well, it is true that I make an awful lot of missteps. I should clearly spend less of my brain power thinking about unicorns, and how soft their noses are. And how beautiful their eyes are.
Actually, I don't mean that. I think those are great things to think about. And now I'm going to go to sleep so I can go for a nice, early hike with my friend. Who is not a unicorn but is nonetheless awesome.
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